Have you overdosed on Obama’s charisma, independent of Oprah’s opinion? Does the idea of a Clinton co-presidency just seem like pre-loading Sean Hannity’s cannon for him? Is John Edwards just more and better hair than you were really looking for in a world leader?

Then perhaps you should be looking to support an alternative Democratic candidate for President. May I suggest Lee L. Mercer Jr.?? Mercer’s platform is simple. Well, it’s short anyway… if not a tad abstruse. But minimally the statement verifies Mercer as a master of obfuscation.

My platform for President of the United States Of America is Criminal Law. It is developed from my Method of Education. I was ordered to create and or invent by the United States Army that is now intact regulating the United States Government protecting it through Military Intelligence Computerization Management a new Disipline I invented and the Administration of Criminal Law Laws across the board.

Mercer clearly comes qualified. According to his bio:

I have a doctor degree Phd. as a doctor of laws, medicine ( not practitioner of medicine, i.e. physicians, surgeons), theology, management, engineering and other subjects that are guaranteed by the United States Army in ROTC to be presented to me in a court of Law only.

He also appears to have a firm grasp on the wispy threads of reality that must wander through his feeble mind now and again. His position on the Iraq war is a paragon of lucidity.

There is some concern about the war in Iraq. I know of U.S. government evidence that the war in Iraq is illegal and it can be solved through me representing the United States Government with a peace treaty. I know there are notations in my ROTC Biography of a guarantee from Iraq through me for peace to the war in Iraq and that Mr. Hussein is innocent of his charges.

Since the current administration has rejected Baker-Hamilton, but is allegedly open to other strategies which do not actually alter the current course of events, perhaps they could deploy Mr. Mercer in advance of his shoe-in election as a special envoy to negotiate an Iraqi peace accord. I’m sure The Daily Show would sponsor the event.

But wait… don’t contribute yet. Not until you’ve read Mercer’s position on the discipline of the US government economy and the US public’s economy:

There is concern about the U.S. Government Economy and the US Public’s Economy enforcements. I will enforce the U.S. Government’s Economy and the US Public’s Economy regulating its enforcements itself with its regulations pretaining to itself and according to it’s enforcements to maintain 100% effectiveness with my tools.

Makes you wanna cry, doesn’t it? You gotta love a guy with 100% effective tools, and who’s not afraid to deploy them to regulate self-enforcement. I just know the world will be a better place (well, at least a funnier one) if we can just rally behind Mercer and get him in office. Get those credit cards out folks. This guy’s goin’ all the way… somewhere.