Nuc-u-lar Football

The Department of Homeland Security has issued a TERROR THREAT WARNING that seven NFL Team Stadiums may be attacked by dirty bombs this weekend. While the threat is widely deemed not credible, it is important that patriotic citizens be aware that a grave radiological whuppin’ may be coming down on them. Not that it’s at all likely, but should such a device be detonated, thousands could be killed and tens of thousands more could suffer hideous mutations and long slow painful deaths. Not that you should be concerned. This was just a posting on some website that also offered links to pictures of Madonna’s new little bundle of joy and asserted that John Bolton looked disturbingly similar to Captain Kangaroo. However, the website did correctly determine which seven teams were playing at home this week, and since it is common knowledge that only Democrats know less about football than radical Muslims, clearly someone did their homework here. Still, in the name of freedom and democracy, you just can’t be too careful. So show ’em your not scared of leaving your family with generations of genetic damage from radiation exposure and get out there and support your football team. Dammit.

By the way, elections are only 20 days away. Remember who it was that kept your sacred Sunday teams safe when you go in to pull that lever.

One Step Closer to Death

I am now officially bespectacled, which is a Latin word meaning “old”. To add insult to the injury, my frames are labeled “brown/grey”. At first, that seemed a really odd color combination. That is, until someone pointed out that these were the colors of my head.

On the plus side, my arms are now about 14″ longer than they used to be. This should come in handy. Although when considered along with the hair sprouting from my back and ears it may also be an indication that I’m de-evolving into some sort of simian. But I suppose I won’t worry about that as long as I’m still disgusted by the smell of bananas.