The Department of Homeland Security has issued a TERROR THREAT WARNING that seven NFL Team Stadiums may be attacked by dirty bombs this weekend. While the threat is widely deemed not credible, it is important that patriotic citizens be aware that a grave radiological whuppin’ may be coming down on them. Not that it’s at all likely, but should such a device be detonated, thousands could be killed and tens of thousands more could suffer hideous mutations and long slow painful deaths. Not that you should be concerned. This was just a posting on some website that also offered links to pictures of Madonna’s new little bundle of joy and asserted that John Bolton looked disturbingly similar to Captain Kangaroo. However, the website did correctly determine which seven teams were playing at home this week, and since it is common knowledge that only Democrats know less about football than radical Muslims, clearly someone did their homework here. Still, in the name of freedom and democracy, you just can’t be too careful. So show ’em your not scared of leaving your family with generations of genetic damage from radiation exposure and get out there and support your football team. Dammit.

By the way, elections are only 20 days away. Remember who it was that kept your sacred Sunday teams safe when you go in to pull that lever.