Halloween is near, and for reasons as yet unexplained by science, there exist many Lady Gaga fans out there who want to dress up as her.

Gaga’s recent outrageous redefinition of hot couture as an outfit made of beef has left costume makers in a pickle as the stunt was too recent for them to have fashioned faux frocks and gotten them into stores.

But die hard fans are undeterred. Several are planning to visit their local butcher and sew their own cow suits together.  A move several butchers are advising against.

There are several problems prospective partiers may incur with the meat dress.  Among them:

• unexpected wardrobe malfunctions from meat tearing along grain lines
• furious party hosts as you sit on their furniture and leave raw blood stains behind
• spoilage and the accompanying stink if you stay too long at the party
• being attacked by packs of feral dogs on your way into or out of the event.
• unwanted advances from guys dressed as bottles of A-1 sauce.

If for any reason wearing raw meat seems like a good idea to you, you do not need advice from a butcher.  Your mother, any friend not hoping to score YouTube hits at your expense, or your therapist (I’m sure you have one) will be happy to set you straight.  This is a level of ick that just one shower afterward will not fix. You will regret this more than last year’s drunken hook-up with Darth Vader.

Just say no.