The crime rate in NY State has been unexpectedly in decline over the past few years. Conventional wisdom suggested the declining economy would drive the crime rate to new highs, but that wisdom failed to consider that burglar’s need to make a living as well.
Police claim their increased patrols and vigilance has been the reason for the criminal downturn. Sgt. Billy Butterbuns was quoted at a local Dunkin’ Donuts as saying, “Those bums know we’re watchin’ em. Nobody pulls a job on my watch.” He then excused himself as it was his turn to park in the expressway turnaround and chat with the state road crew.
Despite police attempts to take the credit, the real cause turns out to be that NY residents simply no longer have anything left worth stealing. Career petty thief Bertrand Thumbwacker lamented, “Between the ridiculous taxes and the high unemployment, I often find I’m sneaking into houses for couch cushion change. I’ve got overhead too y’know, and I just can’t afford to be breaking and entering for a take that small.” He also said that many of his colleagues have pulled up stakes and moved to states where the pickings are better.
State Senator Marvin Porkbucket’s office promptly released a statement claiming that the NY Legislature’s inaction to resolve the state’s looming budget problem was an intentional strategy to convince the state’s burglar population to flee to neighboring states. He added that the governing body was vowing to stay out of session as long as it takes to drive the crime rate down to zero.