Dogs of Hell

Hot DogThis is America dammit.  A place where we tackle the big issues and let the small stuff take care of itself.  That’s why in an effort to save the children we are not focusing on trivial stuff like poverty, healthcare, and schools.  Nope, we’re going after the real threat to future generations… hot dogs.

Yes, the venerable all American wiener is at the heart of the country’s greatest threat to kids: obesity nutrition ketchup allergies choking.  Wait… what?

That’s right, mom’s throughout the nation are unwittingly stuffing pork filled corks down their children’s throats, and the Academy of American Pediatrics thinks it’s high time the carnage stops.  Minimally they are calling for warning labels on hot dogs.  But ideally, it would be safer for all if the shape changed.  Dr. Gary Smith, immediate-past chairman of the AAP, was quoted as saying:

“Any food that has a cylindrical or round shape poses a risk, but hot dogs were high on the list of foods that could be redesigned — perhaps the shape, although it would be up to the manufacturers to figure out the specifics.”

I’m thinking a nice square edged bar-shaped dog would be perfect.  Not only would the sharp angles prevent the complete sealing of the unfortunately cylindrically shaped throat.  But square dogs would provide more surface area for condiments and a natural space between the dog and the bun to stuff them so dogs with the works wouldn’t be so top-loaded.  Further, the square edges would grip the buns and prevent that annoying tendency of the dog to squeeze out the top of the roll.  And they wouldn’t roll off the grill or the plate anymore!  They could be stacked like lumber rather than cord wood.  The advantages are apparently endless.

So waste no time.  Write your Congressman to support legislation requiring the redesign of the hot dog.  If Congress won’t listen, then let’s get Glenn Beck behind it.  Nobody can play up a threat to America like he can.  For mercy’s sake, at least join a Facebook group supporting the cause.

After all, it’s for the children.

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