The Ultimatum

A 42-year old Scotsman married his Canadian sweetheart last year. But little did he know what lay in store. For secretly she hated the life-sized Orc that stood quietly in their home. And one day, able to bear it no more, she issued the ultimatum.

She asserted that one of them had to go. Either he ditched his beloved Orc statue or she was moving back to Canada without him. It would appear that without giving the choice a lot of serious consideration, he opted to give away the green guy and keep the blonde.

This opens up lots of questions. Was she really certain he would choose this way, or was she perhaps hoping he wouldn’t? And while all us men recognize that we are not the primary decorators of any shared domicile, are there limits to a woman’s veto power? Was there no man-space in their house which might have housed his beast?

I can understand her not wanting the Orc in the living room. It seems the sort of thing best delegated to “his room”. Although I might point out that placing it in the foyer would obviate the need for a home security system.

The key point being that every shared home should have some space, even if it’s the basement or garage, where the man is free to decorate in ways that make his woman cringe. It’s fine that this space has a door. It’s fine that proper company never sees this room. But there still should be some place where a man can wallow in his hideous tastes and eccentricities.

And a note to women… the ultimatum should be used sparingly. Acceptable uses include:

  • “It’s her or me.”
  • “It’s [insert appropriate 12-step program] or I’m outta here.”

Pretty much after that, we assume you’re just trying to get rid of us.

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