A decade ago I’d never heard of progressives. But I was younger then, with all my senses about me. Now I’m pushing fifty, half-deaf and increasingly blind. After several years of having my readers tucked into my collar (a look I know Kim will miss), I’ve finally opted for progressive lenses which allow me to have my specs permanently on my face. Somehow this seems like a step forward. It is actually more convenient than whipping my glasses on and off all the time. If only I can figure out how to use these things.

I wasn’t really prepared for my new glasses to have a learning curve. While it’s cool that I can see everything somewhere, I can no longer see anything anywhere. This is sort of the the optical version of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. My optician tells me I’m an “eye looker”. That is, when I want to look at something I move my eyes. Apparently this is wrong. I need to become a “head looker”. The result is that I now find myself swirling my head in a circular motion trying to find the optimal focal point in my lenses for whatever I’m looking at. I’m a human bobble-head doll.

Everyone tells me I’ll get used to this. Eventually my brain will adjust to my new lenses and my head will auto-align to the right position without me swearing first. Once again, I find myself seeking a new normal. I’ve learned to balance again without my vestibular nerves. I consider a day with minimally achy joints to be pain free. I accept that a loud high pitched whine from one ear is silence. And now I’m learning to accept that the world is no longer viewable askance.

When will my android body be ready? I guess getting older is all about how you look at it. Then again, with these new glasses, everything is all about how I look at it.

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