Most of us were forced to wait until after the birth of a child to begin to be a corrupting influence. But now, thanks to Nuvo and their Ritmo Pregnancy – Advanced Sound System, you can have junior rocking out to classic Van Halen just as soon as Mom is prepared to strap this thing on.

It may look like a radioactive Pac-Man, but this high tech gadget is the most comfortable way to strap four directional speakers to your belly. Further, it says to the world, “I have already purchased every other baby gadget on Earth and still had $130 left over.”

It sports a standard connection, so you can hook it to your phone, iPod, or even an old Walkman if you want to risk your baby being born a Luddite. In this way, you can choose whether to calm your baby with a little Bach or get him head banging to Twisted Sister. Of course you could always opt for playing educational programs such as Sesame Street soundtracks or Glenn Beck podcasts.

The important thing to remember is that as the parent you are in complete control of your child’s development. If you provide the proper early life stimulation, your child will grow up to be brilliant, talented, and virtuous. She or he will espouse values identical to yours, be the student you always dreamed of, and grow up to have an idyllic family, career, and life of their own. And should all of that not come to pass, it’s your fault. You were a bad parent who was too cheap, thoughtless, or uncaring to buy the products your baby needed to succeed. (Now, where’s that darn sarcasm punctuation?)