There is an alternative medicine technique known as ear candling that claims to do everything from remove ear wax to stabilize your emotions, purify your blood, or even align your chakras. (Important because I’m sure you know how painful having your chakras out of whack can be.)

The process involves sticking a special hollow candle in your ear and lighting the sucker up. The idea is that the flame draws on the ear canal and creates a mild vacuum. If it did, I suppose I can see how you could rationalize why that might dislodge ear wax, but I suspect it would require a much larger ear drum damaging vacuum to actually remove any wax buildup. No matter, since the physics is flawed anyway. An open tube with warm air at one end would create a draft through the tube as the hot air rose, assuming there was an air supply in your head somewhere. But nobody’s that blonde, so you won’t really get a vacuum.

I have no idea why this should purify your blood. However, it does make a modicum of sense that it would stabilize your emotions. After all, you’d need to achieve an unnatural level of calm before allowing a friend to shove a flaming stick in your ear.

And if this seems like a good idea, and your friend is a really good sport, you might also try the Butt Candle. This is an actual product, intended to relieve constipation and intestinal blockage. It works pretty much like the ear candle except you use a different orifice. And there are a few additional precautions. For example, should you have excessive hair “down there,” the instructions recommend you use a plant mister to pre-dampen the area and thus avoid any “follicular ignition.”

It strikes me there may be other issues as well. For example, your ear isn’t prone to emitting flammable gasses. Having partaken in a few locker room fart lightings over the years, the prospect of open flames in that region, especially while constipated, are met with a touch of trepidation.

And it recommends you use this product while lying on your back and holding your knees toward your chest. While this is certainly a dignified position for anyone to be in with a flaming stick up their butt, I don’t know if they’ve fully considered the male anatomy here. When guys are in that position, stuff that you’d rather not set on fire should be hanging near the open flame. Sing it with me… “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…“

I can only assume the plan is that by the time you get into this position, have the hair burned off your butt, your junk roasted medium well, and your friend gets the pictures up on the Internet, constipation is the least of your worries.