I’ve never understood the female tendency to litter a perfectly good bed with decorative pillows. To my mind, beds should not require extensive assembly or disassembly prior to or after use.

I don’t see the problem with a bed looking like a flat horizontal surface during the day. In the evening it should be inviting. It should have that “come lay on me” look. Not a look that says it will repel all attempts at boarding.

But this is hardly one of the larger issues in life, and like most men I’ve always considered decorative pillows a reasonable price to pay for having someone to share the underlying bed with.

However, it so happens a grandmother in Vail, CO has demonstrated that these seemingly functionless fluffies have a practical side. They can be used to repel bear attacks. Apparently, a momma bear and her cub broke into the woman’s home. When the big bear came into her room, Grandma hurled a fancy pillow at it. The bear, realizing that a woman’s bedroom contains virtually unlimited pillow ammo, promptly turned around and headed to the kitchen to snack on leftovers. Eventually, the Vail Police arrived and shot pepper balls at the bears to get them out of the house.

I’m guessing from this point forward, the bear-phobic Stephen Colbert will be sleeping like the Princess and the Pea. I know I’ll sleep better when Kim’s pretty pillows are near.