Some business models seem so obvious in retrospect. Avowed heretic Joshua Witter has started a business to deliver post-rapture messages from the risen to his fellow unsaved rabble. If you’ve ever worried that on the day of reckoning you’ll be taken to heaven without having the opportunity to say a proper good-bye to your non-believing friends, here’s your ticket.

For the decidedly reasonable price of $5, Witter will be your personal post-apocalyptic postman, struggling through the boils and toils to get your last thoughts to your friends left behind. But what to say? “I told you so,” “Na-na na-na boo-boo,” or the more sensitive, “so sorry to hear about your eternal damnation.”

The mind boggles…