Turning the modern science community on its ear, a 17th century journal of noted astronomer Galileo Galilei was released today indicating that his observations and publications supporting a heliocentric solar system were not based on empirical evidence at all. Rather, the fictional data was created in response to a bar-bet Galileo made with his son Vincenzo that he could get the Pope to renounce the literal interpretation of the bible. Galileo noted in the diary that the whole Jovian moon thing just sort of came to him as he was watching the “pretty lights” swirl about the lantern while in an alcohol induced stupor. He then threw down some numbers and a few unintelligible equations in hopes that the Vatican would be sent into a tizzy trying to defend the scriptural assertion that the Sun revolved about the Earth.
Galileo technically won the bet in 1992 when Pope John Paul II finally conceded that the Earth revolves around the sun. Since there is no legal statute of limitations on tavern based wagers, Vincenzo was ordered to pay up, despite having already been dead for more than 300 years.
Pope Benedict XVI was quick to seize the opportunity to restore the bible to its rightful place in the church. Dismissing John Paul’s concession as premature and unfortunate, Benedict reasserted that in fact the Sun did now officially, and once again, revolve around the Earth. He further urged all science disciplines descended from the heliocentric model to immediately recant their positions or risk being labeled heretics and placed under house arrest.
Astronomers worldwide have gone into hiding as they reconcile having been betrayed and misled all these years by one of their founding fathers. One senior scientist, who asked to remain anonymous for his own safety, was quoted as saying, “This is a huge blow to our discipline.” He added, “And we were just beginning to regain our public credibility following the Pluto declassification debacle.”
Clergy will be on hand this week at local schools to counsel science students who may require assistance in dealing with their newly mandated worldviews.