While the turnout for Trick-or-Treating last night was a little lighter than last year, it did have some flair which is worthy of mention. Therefore, I’m introducing the Scary Squash Awards for memorable door knocking.

In the Category: Most Ambition with Least Effort

The award goes to three pre-teen boys who were canvassing the neighborhood with a 5-foot tall box on a skateboard which they were trying to fill with candy. One had at least taken the time to don a t-shirt emblazoned with the saying, “This is my costume”.

I don’t know if they succeeded, but I’m estimating they were looking at about 3 cubic feet of candy each if they pulled it off. Way to go boys.

In the Category: Missing the Point of the Holiday

The award goes to two 30-something parents who showed up at my door sans-kids, sans-costumes, but with two plastic pumpkins to fill. I scoured the sidewalk searching for anything roaming about in a costume, but it was just the two of them. Mom sees I’m confused and points down my driveway. She explains that the Princess and Spiderman are in the wagon and are just too tired.

I’m sorry, but when the kids are too exhausted to even be carried to the door; when their apathy has reached the point where they are content to lounge in the wagon at the end of the drive; your evening is done. Go home. Put them to bed.

In the Category: Where the Hell is Your Father?

I opened the door to find a brood traveling together. There were 4 or 5 elementary age kids comprising the usual assortment of superheros and monsters, 1 ninja who was pre-school age, and they were all being shepherded by a young girl who was maybe 14 or 15 years old – presumably a big sister. That was nice of her. To my bewilderment, big sister is dressed as – a slutty nurse. White heels and thigh-highs which stopped a few inches short of her skin tight mini-dress uniform. Her almost pubescent cleavage peeking from the low-cut top. She looked like she was on-deck for a lolita porn shoot.

Don’t you think that if your daughter is ordering her costume from Frederick’s of Hollywood that just maybe you’re shirking your duty as a parent?