Today was a day full of lessons. Most of which were learned in the minutes immediately following the realization that the zipper in my pants had suffered catastrophic failure.

But first, the setup. It had been a reasonably hectic day at work, but not the sort of chaos one would expect to put any sort of undue strain on one’s pants. I fly a keyboard for a living. The stress is high between the ears, but below the belt… not so much. So it came as a surprise when I turned to leave the discussion I was having with two of the women I work with and felt a mild breeze in a place where breezes are not so common. A glance down confirmed my fear. My fly was open. Then, the discovery that the fly was not simply open, but broken. Then the thought that the women I had just been talking to were sitting, and I was standing. (You do the math.)

Now I have no idea exactly how long I’d been catching wind down there. But I reasoned that since the ladies hadn’t giggled, pointed, turned red, or looked like they were trying not to notice, that it probably was pretty recent. But I can’t be sure. Does Hallmark make a card for that? “Gee I’m sorry if I embarrassed myself and made you uncomfortable with my flapping fly – unless of course I didn’t.” I guess the reality is that I’ll never know.

Anyway, the lessons I learned:
– wardrobe malfunctions are a compelling reason to leave work early
– there is no inconspicuous way to manually hold your fly closed as you walk
– do not buy cheap pants at WalMart
– and most importantly… always wear underwear – always.