Weekend Dog Owner's Kit
Contents: 1 -
67 lb. Dog
1 - 20' Chain
1 - Steel Bristle Brush
2 - 18"x40" Dog Towels
1 - 6'x6' Blanket
1 - 8 oz. Scoop (Red)
2 - Lg. Bowls
1 - 15 lb. Bag Food type Dog
1 - Bag Treats type Dog
1 - 14" Dinosaur Bone
2 - Latex Toys
These instructions are supplied to aid the weekend dog-owner in
assembling and operating the weekend dog for maximum personal enjoyment
and minimal hassle. The instructions will outline each of the items in
the kit; explain their use; and offer helpful tips for easy
operation. At the end of this flyer, a short section on
troubleshooting has beenincluded to help the owner get out of any
particularly sticky situations.
First and foremost, DO NOT PANIC!! Dogs have no sense of time, and as
such, will have long since gone on to do something else they quite
enjoy doing before you figure out how to undo any hideous deed you
might have done.
Secondly, don't worry about trying to teach the dog to adapt to your
lifestyle and household environment. The dog is already quite adept at
teaching you how to support her in the style of life which she has come
to expect, and she will personally make any alterations she finds
necessary to your house.
All in all, if you follow the guidelines and tools provided in this
kit, you should find your weekend with the dog to be pleasant and
enjoyable. In fact, you will probably find that you will be well
adjusted to living with your new friend about 37 seconds prior to her
returning home.
Content Descriptions
Dog: The dog is
readily identified by looking about for the 67 lb. drooling furball
which is presently trying to either: eat this flyer, lick your face, or
lick her butt. You see, dogs as a rule are quite orally fixated. They
spend an inordinate amount of time licking things you'd rarely consider
touching with a well gloved hand. Nonetheless, doctors tell us that
being licked by a dog is more sanitary than being licked by a fellow
human or your spouse. Still, this doesn't help that queasy feeling you
get as they stop licking their butts, and immediately try to coat your
tonsils with canine saliva.
20' Chain: The chain is a valuable device
for when you are not going to be home for several hours, or when you
would just like the dog to believe that that is the case. Fasten the
chain to any rigid object using the speed link, a pair of plyers, and
someone with a fair amount of patience. Fasten the dog to the other end
while excercising great care not to look into her eyes. Dogs are second
only to vampires and leggy blondes in their ability to get you to do
anything for them (such as let them off of this chain and feed them a
large steak) by giving you "that look." (I am forced to admit that my
personal experience is limited in the area of leggy blondes trying to
entice me to unchain them and feed them raw meat.)
Steel Bristle Brush: The brush is included
in this kit for the sake of completeness. It is not anticipated that you
will feel any urge to attend to the dog's grooming needs until the
latter stages of canine bonding are reached. The brush can come in
handy though, for removing objects from the dog's coat which you would
rather not have chemically bonded to your carpet.
18"x 40" Dog Towels: Dog towels can be
used for cleaning up any variety of things on, around, created,
excreted, or caused by the dog. The best part about the dog towels is
that they go back home with the dog at the conclusion of the weekend in
whatever state you leave them in. Two towels are included so that both
of you can participate in the intimate ritual of "The cleaning of the
paws" when coming inside while it's raining (the dog, not you). With
practice, the two of you can each clean two paws such that the job is
cut in half. With lots of practice, you can manage to both pick up a
paw on the same side of the dog, at the same time, such that she falls
over and looks at you as if to ask if you can really be that stupid.
6'x 6' Blanket: The blanket is both a
protection and guilt relieving device. It can be placed over any object
which you're concerned about the dog lying on. The blanket protects the
furniture underneath while assuring that the dog is present on that
furniture almost constantly. A more useful application is to place the
blanket on the kitchen floor at night so that "the poor little puppy
doesn't have to lie on the cold floor." The net result of this is that
you will feel less guily, and the dog will play with the blanket until
she's so tired that she falls asleep on the cold floor.
8 oz. Scoop (Red): This device is used
five times each morning for scooping dog food from the bag and spilling
it onto
the floor.
Lg. Bowls: In one bowl you should place
fresh cool water. The remaining bowl is used as a recepticle for the
dog food which has spilled onto the floor. Both bowls should be placed
within reach of the dog. Otherwise, they will still be full the
following morning when you go to fill them, and in a few days they'll
start to overflow.
15 lb. Bag Food type Dog: This is the bag
from which you spill five scoops daily onto the floor such that you can
pick all of it up and put it back in the bowl except for the piece that
you step on in your stocking feet and commence to swearing about why
your kids couldn't have children instead of dogs when suddenly you
wonder if this is at all related to their tendency to write in run-on
sentences.
Bag Treats type Dog: This is a bag full of
dog food which manufacturers have cleverly convinced the public is
better tasting than the stuff which costs less and comes in bigger
bags. The dogs seem to like them, but hell, they lick their butts for
no apparent reason too. Nonetheless, these so-called treats are good
things to give the dog for rewarding good behavior, or relieving your
guilt for leaving the poor thing alone all day while you were at work.
14" Dinosaur Bone: This bone should be
thought of as a dog pacifier. It should be saved, and given
to the dog only when she is acting particularily obnoxious, and for
whatever reason, you feel it's important that she stay indoors. She
will wile away the next few hours turning that hunk of dried cow skin
into a slimey mass, and then ingesting it for reasons that are more
obscure than why she licks her butt. (Note: It is vital that the bone
stay indoors. She will only chew the bone while you are watching
(seriously!). If she takes it outdoors, she will only get it so dirty
that you won't want it back in the house. Then you'll have to put up
with her!!)
Latex Toys: The toys are used for the
mutual enjoyment of you and your weekend pet. They provide an ideal
excuse for your weekend dog to slobber all over your hand such that you
will begin to hold it in mid-air, away from everything else, and look
at it like it's not really yours anyway.
Troubleshooting Guide
Dog won't eat: It could be
seperation anxiety, or the three sweet rolls and 18 cookies she had for
breakfast.
Dog won't stop trying to lick your face:
It could be the three sweet rolls and 18 cookies you had for breakfast,
remnants of which are still on your face and breath.
Dog won't come in out of the rain: The dog
is probably engaged in an age old ritual of watching a small animal
sitting warm and dry under a tree who is in turn watching the dog get
soaking wet in the rain. Each is secretly laughing at the other
thinking s/he has the upper hand. This is a genetic defect in dogs, and
as such should be seen as a crime of nature, and treated as an act of
lunacy.
