The week before the holidays we started getting the SciFi Network on cable.  This was like an early Christmas present to me, and I promptly sat down to Godzilla vs. King Kong.  Twenty minutes later the boys had been assimilated and the three of us sat riveted like teens on Nintendo.  Carol's eyes rolled so far up into her head she could see what she thought - and it wasn't pretty.  The holidays brought numerous SciFi treats such as Battlestar Galactica, Twilight Zone, Star Trek, and other old favorites.  But during all this I was intrigued by the many original series which were produced by the network.  One in particular was advertised relentlessly, Black Scorpion.  I was hooked by the trailer and made plans to catch the premier on Friday last.

By 11:00pm I had achieved the optimum TV viewing environment. Carol and the boys were asleep.  The dog had been out.  The cat was in my lap.  The remote was in one hand and a cold beer in the other.  I was ready.  Now mind you, my expectations were not high.  The show was clearly a live action superhero comic book type show.  The trailers indicated that the show didn't take itself too seriously, so I was hoping for something ala Batman, but with cleavage.  Did I mention the cleavage?  Well, let me set the show up for you.

The show centers around the daughter of a crusty police detective known for his vigilante style who was killed in the line of duty.  Taking after her old man she joins the force where she is assigned to the high crime rate district in a generic metropolitan city.  Oh yeah - and at night she fights crime in a push-up bra, butt-thong, and stiletto heels.  (No mention of whether or not she inherited the costume from Dad as well.)  Now based on this premise, the show could be good.   Kind of like Wonder Woman crossed with Xena.  And if you're sitting there with a Y-chromosome, don't tell me you've never watched those shows.

She made a respectable showing in the martial arts department with the help of some clever camera work.  Unfortunately, after that Black Scorpion fell right on its silicone implants.  The foot chase scenes were a scream.  Even Marion Jones couldn't run respectably in 4" heels. 

And she has this car.  That should be a good thing.  Fast car, lots of built in gadgetry.  The writers clearly weren't after the Oprah demographic here.  It was a classic Corvette by day which on voice command changed inexplicably into a Honda Civic with a big silly hunk of plastic on it's ass.  What were they thinking?   How could they have hoped to sway the testosterone laden gear-heads with that?   Her breasts were not so big that no one would notice the car.  To make matters worse, apparently the car was designed by this ex-con who is one hip-talking jive grease monkey (think Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch crossed with Gomer Pyle) who just happened to know how to write software which could rearrange the atoms in her car and clothing.  (I knew I picked the right time to get out of programming. How could I compete with that?)  And besides, if you could make a ring which could change a woman's clothes on command, would you be working at Jiffy-Lube?

The supporting characters were sillier yet.  There was her cop partner who is an obviously gender-reversed Lois Lane.  He's in love with Black Scorpion, but is just pals with her alter ego.  The other cops made Judge Reinhold's comrades in Beverly Hills look like Serpico (more like Ernest Goes to Cop School).  The mayor is a complete buffoon, but he was at least having an affair with his buxom secretary!  And Martin Cove (Cagney & Lacy, The Karate Kid) guest starred as the super-villian Firearm.  (Now here's an actor who has fallen from mediocrity.)  Interestingly, his acting was superior to everyone else's despite his obvious lack of heaving bosoms.   But alas, he saw Black Scorpion unmasked ten minutes before the end of the show, so he was deader than a red shirted guy on Star Trek.  Overall, the acting made the 4th season of Airwolf (with Barry Van Dyke) look like Emmy material.

All in all, I can only conclude that I watch way too much damn TV.